A glimpse of hope..

" What a wonderful God we have- he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us. "
2 Corinthians 1 3-4

I wanted to share something that at one time in my life would be humiliating and shameful but I now find hope in the idea that maybe it could help someone else. After having Kelsey I suffered from postpartum but thought it wasn't "real" and that I wasn't being a "good" mom if I took medicine or even admitted that something was wrong. I somehow managed it and never dealt with those hormones/chemical imbalance. I then had Kailyn 2 years later and ended up in a very dark place. When you are there, you know something is not right but can not analyze logically. I would constantly play this ping pong game in my head and beat myself up. At one point a girl told me to just pray harder....(not good advice) So I started a new Beth Moore study, joined a gym, did everything you could think of to get out of what I was in. My thoughts and emotions were so off the chart. Janson was in football season and tried so hard but the truth was there was nothing he could do. My friends pushed and pushed me to go the doctor and I resisted thinking that would mean I was a failure. I shed a lot of tears and my thoughts were in shambles. Here I thought I was being a better mom by not taking medication, yet I could not focus, go through a day without worrying, constant anxiety, and just not what God intended for me. My pride overshadowed everything. After 7 months of dealing with my depression, I finally went to the doctor and diagnosed w/ depression (had surpassed postpartum) and an anxiety disorder. At one time I could, or learned from CR that I thought I could control, my anxiety but with a two year old and brand new baby it just got worse. God has definitly taught me a lot about humility and just how when you let go HE WILL BE THERE. It has definitly been a journey for me but God has given me such a compassion for anyone dealing with depression. Through CR and just learning the tools to use in order to help me with my struggles gives me joy and hope. I am a sinner and there are going to be constant "new" sins that I will deal with but have found so much comfort in knowing and going through a fall where only Christ could catch me. So this goes out there to the "blogger" world...if you ever need a listener God is always there.

Thank Goodness for Friends!!!

What are friends for if not to sing kareoke with!!!!!Christa, I am waiting for the pic. of you to post as well...will be waiting for the email!!! haha!! Girls night at Christa's!!!! Thanks to everyone for a GREAT night!

ITS A GIRL!!!

We found out Friday that we are going to have a new baby girl in the family!!! Dan and Kamy are having a GIRL!!!!! We are so excited....except for kelsey...she is kind of funny about the whole thing b/c we told her that Uncle Dan and Aunt Kamy were having a girl and she just kept telling us that she already had "baby sydney"...she is determined that NO ONE is going to replace her precious cousin baby sydney....too cute! sure she will be estatic when precious baby maberry arrives but until then...it is all about her "baby sydney"....oh and her name might be Ryan Nicole.

Educate YOURSELF...

Go to this website...
http://www.wqad.com/Global/link.asp?L=259460
Go here and find out what YOU believe on the presidential election!
learn the FACTS!!!

so far, so good...

Staying Close by Dennis and Barbara Rainey..Stopping the Natural Drift Toward Isolation in Marriage. One of the coaches wives on staff is letting me borrow this book...she wanted me to read just ch. 16 about moms/dads husbands/wives roles in the homes but am really loving it, so reading it! Only on chapter seven so far but will keep you updated! Janson and I are trying to do it as a bible study. There are questions at the end of each chapter to answer w/ your spouse about your marriage, so can do as a study! anyways just thought I would share...

simply confused

simply confused but a good kind of confused. God keeps putting things in my life, or as I say that guess it could be answers to my prayers, that causes me to SO much happiness yet makes us second guess "our" path/future. Janson and I thought this would be a good time for me to go back to work w/ Kailyn turning two and our "worldly/fleshly" need for more money. BUT after CR and my desire to serve in step study and then on Sat. morn. I had the most amazing experiance with a program called SWEAT. They send out "teams" to fix up houses. Tarrah picked me up and we went together and we were both first timers!!! an experiance w/in itself! Anyways we painted and killed lots of roaches!!! But WOW it was awesome! This is something I would love to really serve in. Anyways back to my point...how can I serve God and do all of these other things if I work. How am I going to keep our house running, grocery shop and all of the little things w/ a Happy/loving/faithful spirit??? God is just really showing us some real challenges to this. Then our preacher, Matt, said the most amazing thing today during service...paraphrasing...Why do something if it is at the expense of your soul? Is that a win??? Is money ever a win?? Maybe God gave us Jansons salary to live on and that is where he wants us to stay. Is me working worth taking away from our kids or family? Is it worth taking away from my spiritual growth? Wow...sorry to make anyone who is actually reading this confused about "my" thoughts... I just question how am I going to glorify God and what is the best way for me? I am just simply confused.

first day back to school and back to routine!

back for now!

so i am bad about being a "blogger" and then forgetting...anyways the holidays were great! Got to spend much needed time with all of the fam. I got to see my precious baby sydney, i now call her this too b/c this is Kelseys official name for her...my most precious neice! We had so much fun and a great new year! although we are "officially" old! On new years we hung out w/ friends and then crashed before 11pm. pathetic! Sorry, Tarrah and Adam, but telling it like it is...haha! Or we could just blame it on the kids and say it was "their" bed time...haha! anyways our break was GREAT! We have now been dealing w/ sick kids lately. so the story goes....last weekend kelsey had fever, 103ish, and then her eye starts swelling. well, i just assume it is pink eye...so i call my friends who also have kids and ask their opinion oh and not to mention my sister-n-law Kristen...they are all like me...no big deal just take to the dr. well the only problem is that it is saturday and janson is at an all day track clinic ...plus taking a 3 year old and one year old to the dr. on a Saturday....so i just think i will wait it out till monday, plus maybe it will be gone by then and she will fine???? so janson gets home and is like "what happened"...well, i guess it did look pretty bad. needless to say, her eyes were both swollen w/ yellow puss/snot stuff coming out the corners. still "me" thinking just pink eye thought ehhhhh she sure seemed happy! anyway janson took her to the care now down the street and did not agree w/ me and all my friends doctoring skills....so come to find out it was a sinus infection which was making her eyes swell and then the "stuff" coming out of the corners. and a huge bill to go along w/ my "waiting it out" plan!!! So now miss kailyn woke up w/ the same thing this morning...yuck! Yes, i did learn from my mistakes!!! i took kailyn to the dr. first thing! she is so precious b/c there is never a moment in her life where she is still and today she was actually still...bless her little heart. she is not feeling good...and she also has an ear infection which i have never really dealt w/.

So around here Janson is getting in official track mode and mentality!!! I am still tutoring at Lake Dallas isd and contemplating the "idea" of going back to work next year. Such a hard decision. Everything on paper would say "yes" i have to go back to work but just not sure that is where God is leading us yet??? My principal that I use to work for is opening a school and has asked me to work there so please shoot out a prayer on that for me!!! I know God will let us know when the timing is right!

Oh have to share the most precious story. the other night i was at step study and janson was putting the girls down. they were doing their usual bed time routine and in the middle of praying. kelsey blurts out during the prayer....thank you for the birds that sing and JESUS...You tell Santa that there are some kids out there that do not get toys for Christmas so you need to make sure they get some! Janson said that his heart just melted! too cute.

oh and kailyn is officially saying....moooooommmmm!