A glimpse of hope..

" What a wonderful God we have- he is the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the source of every mercy, and the one who so wonderfully comforts and strengthens us in our hardships and trials. And why does he do this? So that when others are troubled, needing our sympathy and encouragement, we can pass on to them this same help and comfort God has given us. "
2 Corinthians 1 3-4

I wanted to share something that at one time in my life would be humiliating and shameful but I now find hope in the idea that maybe it could help someone else. After having Kelsey I suffered from postpartum but thought it wasn't "real" and that I wasn't being a "good" mom if I took medicine or even admitted that something was wrong. I somehow managed it and never dealt with those hormones/chemical imbalance. I then had Kailyn 2 years later and ended up in a very dark place. When you are there, you know something is not right but can not analyze logically. I would constantly play this ping pong game in my head and beat myself up. At one point a girl told me to just pray harder....(not good advice) So I started a new Beth Moore study, joined a gym, did everything you could think of to get out of what I was in. My thoughts and emotions were so off the chart. Janson was in football season and tried so hard but the truth was there was nothing he could do. My friends pushed and pushed me to go the doctor and I resisted thinking that would mean I was a failure. I shed a lot of tears and my thoughts were in shambles. Here I thought I was being a better mom by not taking medication, yet I could not focus, go through a day without worrying, constant anxiety, and just not what God intended for me. My pride overshadowed everything. After 7 months of dealing with my depression, I finally went to the doctor and diagnosed w/ depression (had surpassed postpartum) and an anxiety disorder. At one time I could, or learned from CR that I thought I could control, my anxiety but with a two year old and brand new baby it just got worse. God has definitly taught me a lot about humility and just how when you let go HE WILL BE THERE. It has definitly been a journey for me but God has given me such a compassion for anyone dealing with depression. Through CR and just learning the tools to use in order to help me with my struggles gives me joy and hope. I am a sinner and there are going to be constant "new" sins that I will deal with but have found so much comfort in knowing and going through a fall where only Christ could catch me. So this goes out there to the "blogger" world...if you ever need a listener God is always there.